Embarrassed at the Emergency Vet

Ok, so if you read the “what is this blog about?” section and the first post, you’re probably wondering where all of the hilarious family stories are that I promised. Well, first up- the time my parents took our dog to the emergency vet for an erection.

I’m dying laughing as I write this and think about the whole scenario and the look on my parent’s faces.

So, about 10 years ago I decided we just HAD to rescue this puppy. He was a pet store puppy that no one wanted and was just getting bigger in the tiny crate and you could tell he was sick. Eventually, we got him for a few hundred bucks (down from like $1,200) and spent a small fortune on the vet visit to get him healthy. And with that, we welcomed Oliver, the cockapoo/doodle to the family.

Now, having rescued almost all of our dogs, this was the first male dog that we had to get fixed. They said it was pretty straightforward for a male dog- a little snip here and snip there, if you’ve had a male dog I’m sure you know the drill. Fast forward a few days post surgery and the Suz is having heart palpitations about the private area and the swelling. Basically for like two days this woman has the dog on the sofa and she keeps touching the incision and feeling all around it trying to decide how swollen is “too swollen” and if she needed to contact the vet and take him in. I can only assume it was a weekend, which is why they decided to go to the emergency vet, because again- if you have animals you KNOW that shit is expensive.

So, with that, the Suz convinces my dad that “something just is NOT right” and is panicked at this poor dog and all the swelling around his man stuff.

They return a short while later and my dad could barely keep a straight face as they walked in the door with the dog in tow, looking perfectly fine. I asked how it went and if the dog was ok, and this is what apparently went down at the vet:

Dad: So, remember how he’s a boy dog?
Me: yea… and?
Suz: It’s not that funny Keith, stop talking
Dad: Oh, trust me it’s THAT funny

They both are like hysterical laughing trying to tell me what happened. Clearly the Suz is a bit embarrassed so I’m assuming it was something awesome and the anticipation was killing me.

Dad: Turns out, the “swelling” was just … well, guy stuff
Me: what?
Dad: Yes, the vet looked at us like we had three heads and informed your mother that sometimes male dogs get turned on
Me: STOP it right now, you did not go to the vet for that?
Suz: It’s really not that funny (as she’s laughing harder)

At this point, we’re all dying as I’m picturing this poor vet having to explain to these concerned pet parents that their male dog was getting an erection.

Dad: Turns out, the more your mother kept touching it to see if it was swollen, the more turned on the dog was getting, which kept causing the … “swelling”

Now, this set me over the edge. Which, set us ALL over the edge because when I start laugh crying, it’s ALL over. This woman, bless her heart, was GIVING THE DOG A BONER (yes, pun intended). For two days, she had the dog on the sofa, flipped over, inspecting this incision like it was her full time job. And y’all just know that damn dog was counting his lucky stars that this awesome family adopted him.

Can you guys please just take a second, and picture having to professionally and tactfully (without laughing) explain to someone that the more they “feel” their dogs private area, the more “swollen”it’s going to get? Just let that sink in for a second …

I was hoping and praying that they got charged some outrageous fee for the visit, but as it turns out the vet instead did not charge them, I’m sure thinking that their faces and this story that she can tell forever is payment enough.

Just for your own reference, the Suz did refrain from turning on the dog after that and decided it might be best to just let the incision heal and see how that played out. Good call Suz, good call.

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